I sat on the cold metal steps contemplating my life as I usually do after being up for twenty-four hours. The first thought that came to my head was how much I hated working at 11:11, i’m twenty-five working at this shit show and I call it that because all I deal with is shit on daily basis; now literally. As I pondered on my life I got a text from Samar, it was a group message to all the employees.
“To all employees, THE SHIT ENDS TODAY, make shore yur bowels are ready to burst wen you get hear.”
“Man that idiot needs to learn how to spell.”
I plugged my radio fuse in, lit up a joint, put on some Bob Marley and was on my way. The sun was just coming up and the sun felt good on my face, like a revitalization I got my third wind.
I walk into 11:11 and straight into the backroom where the whole staff was already there waiting. I was a few minutes late. Samar was pacing back and forth in front of the lined up staff, he gazed at me.
“Jonny boy your late, nothing says guilt like insubordination.” he said as he grinded his teeth, must be extra pilled up for this event.
Behind Samar was white bags lined up with each of our names labeled Ali, Jonny, Lisa etc. Samar with his insidious smirk than picked up this machine with a scale with a white bag that said “KULPRIT” written aggressively on the front. The machine read “The Scoop”
“Okay each of you one by one are going to go into my office and shit into your corresponding bag, we will than put your shit into the scoop and see if it matches up with comparative load of evidence we have gathered from the past few weeks.”
Lisa pulled down her pants to reveal that she hasn’t shaved probably in the last five years. She said enthusiastically
“I’ll go first!”
Ali, Samar and I all gagged into our forearms and Samar handed her her bag as she walked into the office. I couldn’t help but giggle to myself because of the ridiculousness of the situation.
We sat there waiting patiently for crazy Lisa to do her business. It occurred to Samar that he hadn’t put toilet paper in his office but by the time he grabbed one off of the shelf that had surplus material Lisa already was done. She handed Samar the bag.
“Sorry I missed a little”
Samar gagged as he put the bag on the Scoop device. The machine vibrated as two tubes sucked samples out of each bag and mixed in with each other in the center compartment. The machine stopped and the Scoop logo lit up red. Samar grinned.
“Lisa you are cleared to go back to work, and here you may be needing this toilet paper.”
Lisa looked confused
Samar gazed at me while licking his lips and clenching his jaw as he took his pez dispenser like pill device out and popped a few more painkillers.
“Okay Jonny, your turn.”
“Do you really think this is ethical Samar?”
” I don’t give a shit what is ethical or what isn’t. What I do give a shit about is someone that is shitting all over my store and I give a shit about you shitting into this bag!”
He shoved the bag that said “Jonny” on it and I reluctantly went into his office and closed the door. I felt constipated from all the cocaine I did the night before but my minimum wage job was on the line so I thought about the only thing that could make me shit on command, the thought of Sandra getting porked by that duschebag. I let it rip and diarrhea splattered perfectly into the bag, it’s like it wouldn’t stop coming out, I filled up three quarters of the bag and wiped my ass with toilet paper and threw it in Samar’s wastebasket.
I came out to Ali and Samar nose to nose yelling at each other in their language. Ali was smirking and Samar was beat red as he yelled.
“You fuck my wife, you steal my wife, and now you shit all over my store, I know it’s fucking you you fucking piece of shit Ali.”
“We’ll see what the Scoop says Samar no need to get your panties in a bunch.”
“At least my panties don’t have streaks of guilt in them motherfucker, or should I say no good wife fucker, yeah that’s more like it.”
I handed the bag in between them and Samar ripped it out of my hand, he immediately gagged.
“Jonny what in the blue crescent moon did you eat last night.”
“I did loads of cocaine sir.”
“Whatever lets see the results.’
Once again the scoop started to vibrate as the juices from each turd coagulated to compare the DNA from each of the fecal matter. Once again the Scoop lit up red, negative result.”
Samar turned to Ali and shoved the white bag that agressively had “ALI YOU FUK” written on the front.
“Your turn asshole.”
As Ali was about to enter the office to do his business Debbie the District Manager barged in.
“What the hell is going on here, what is this Lisa telling me that you’re having all the employees poop in a bag?”
Samar looked like a dog with his tail between his legs
“I…I was tryin”
“You were trying to get yourself suspended is what you were trying to do, you are suspended indefinitely until further notice. Ali you can come out you are now the interim manager of 11:11 and Jonny you are now the Assistant Manager.
“FUCKKKKKK” I thought to myself.
Ali came out with a shit eating grin as Samar got into his face again.
“You fuck my wife, you steal my wife, you shit in my store and now”
“Now I steal your job”
Ali plucked Samar’s manager name tag off his chest and put his name tag of Samar’s
Debbie looked at me
“Jonny I need you to come back for the overnight shift tonight if that’s alright.”I really didn’t want to but hey I still need money.
“Anything for you Debbie.”
Samar stormed out and Ali stood there grinning at me.
“Shit just got real at 11:11