PI Log #6 Topher Gets Knocked Out Again

I often wonder what my life purpose is, it seems like every path I have followed has led to dead ends, even this case Sandra has presented to me feels like it’s going nowhere, maybe it’s just my apathy for life as of late, or maybe I could be right.

I drove passed Mickey’s pub and got half triggered to go in there and get plastered for old times sake but decided not too, at least not without Topher and plus I have work tonight.


I pull up my driveway to notice that Valerie’s militarized jeep is parked outside. I run up my steps and open my front door to Topher throwing b rated dvds at Valerie as she deflects each one until she gets close enough to snap kick the last dvd out of his hand.

“You crazy bitch.” Topher says as she delivers a snap kick to his head and Topher goes limp and falls through my new glass table I had just gotten yesterday, second table broken this week.

” What the hell do you want Valerie?”

“What were you doing spying on Tony last night, what did you find out?”

” That’s hardly any of your business.”

“I have a job to do just like you but the only difference is that I produce results.”

” If you call knocking Topher out on a daily basis results than honey you got your priorities mismatched.”

“Call me honey one more time and I’ll lay you out next to your pig friend.”

“All I found out was that Tony and the rest of the casino commision are in on the tarantula scandal and that I need to somehow infiltrate one of their parties to gain more information.”

Valerie had a black duffel bag slung over her shoulder, she threw it over to me. I looked inside and it was one of the official plague masks and tuxedo that the people at the yacht party were wearing.

“What am I supposed to do with this?”

“There’s a party at the Crooked Falcon Casino this Saturday, I can’t infiltrate because of my reputation and you can’t either because Tony knows you personally but if we could find someone who Tony and the rest of the crew doesn’t know we can enter them into the high stakes poker game and see if they can find out any information on the Tarantula epidemic and put a stop to it once and for all. There’s been thirty-two overdoses this week alone, this needs to stop that’s why i’m here, even though I hate your guts I need your help. So I ask you do you know anyone that we can use to infiltrate the Crooked Falcon?”

I thought about Ryan and how he might blow our cover if he starts trying to sell one of his porn ripoffs via cryptonesia . Than Valerie and I both simultaneously looked at an unconscious Topher.

“Oh fuck no.” Valerie said

” He’ll be perfect for the role, no one knows him and he can play the part of a rich entitled duschebag that has enough disposable currency to gamble away in a high stakes poker game with the best of them, plus he’s a great poker player.”

Topher regained consciousness and got up to doggy position spitting out some glass.

“I have a great poker face.”

Valerie delivered a haymaker knocking Topher back out.

“Okay Jonny but if he fucks up I’ll have both your heads.”

” You keep knocking him out he’ll have no head left to have.”

“He just disgusts me so much.”

“Sounds like you got a crush.”

“I’m a lesbian ever since I dated you, you should know that.”

“Yeah okay and I’m a pothead because I like the taste.”

“The only problem we have is there’s a $250,000 buy in to the game.”

Suddenly in the doorway appeared Sandra

” I can deliver the cash tomorrow to Jonny.”

I stood googly eyed as she was wearing a blue dress that was even more scandalous than the red one, revealing her perfect legs that reminded me of how that used to be mine.

Sandra smirked and Valerie wanted to knock Sandra out but was too feminist to do so.

“Man my black book is fucked.”

“Once Topher wakes up we’ll formulate a plan unless Valerie plans on knocking him out again.”

Valerie gloated

“No promises.”



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