The Other Part Time Gig Pt.3/P.I. Log #3.5

Topher and I sat on the couch as I popped in a copy of Touch of Evil (one of my favorite movies). Topher kept going on and on about how if he knew Valerie was going to attack him he would’ve countered it with a haymaker; this is the fourth time Valerie has knocked Topher out dating back to our high school days and I think he dies a little more inside each time but I find it hilarious.  Topher handed me the bong (which I don’t normally partake in because it makes me anxious) I said “to hell with it” and ripped it. My perception got extra wavy as I saw an overweight Captain Quinlan say to Tanya

“C’mon read my future for me”

She sincerely replied

“You haven’t got any”

“What do you mean?”

“Your future is all used up”

That part always hits home as I felt the tears start to congregate against the door of my eye sockets, I got up off the couch and told Topher “goodnight.”

I fell into my bed and briefly thought about all the great things I could be doing with my life right now but am not. I heard Topher turn the movie off and put on a porn dvd, all I heard was a girl yelp “fucky fucky fucky” as I drifted off into slumber.

I left my closet door open which is rare because the silhouette of my shirts makes me think someone is hiding in there. I had to pee but kept dreaming that I got up to go to the bathroom only to awaken momentarily to see that I didn’t, this happened about four or five times until one of the lucid dreams I imagined someone standing in my closet, I awoke and jumped to my feet to close the closet door and to urinate. I climbed back into bed and stared at the ceiling for what felt like a lifetime until I finally fell into the deep sleep that I had been yearning for.

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I awoke to someone banging on my door at 9:30 in the morning. I stumbled out of my bed and could see Topher sprawled out on the couch once again with his ass out (why does he do that?). At the door was a young blonde girl no older than twenty one, caked up face and a skirt shorter than the length of my hand. I opened the door.

“Hi i’m here for the casting call, are you Ryan? Is this the right place?’

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Before I move any further let me tell you about Ryan. Ryan lives downstairs, his grandmother owns the apartment building, Ryan’s grandfather was a labor union man who purchased this building in the early fifties, he died a little over ten years ago and now his grandmother is the sole owner, she lives in a farm town up north on acres and acres of land so she lets Ryan live in the apartment building on the condition that he pays rent every month and collects rent from the tenant (me). Ryan has turned the entire downstairs into a casting couch room (he directs porn). Due to horrible schematics , the building has no door for the downstairs so the only door to get into the building happened to be my front door, so every time he’s filming or just needs to go in and out he needs to walk through my bedroom to get to the steps, this is annoying but hey beggers can’t be choosers. I met Ryan through 11:11. I initially hated his guts because he was one of those coworkers that knew how to sweet talk the managers while not doing shit whatsoever, they actually promoted him before me but soon realized he doesn’t do shit. He was fired because he was working an overnight shift and decided it was a good idea to shoot a porn scene in there. The script went something along the lines of a busty milk delivery lady coming in while he was buttering the roles and saying

“instead of buttering those rolls, you could be buttering this ass.”

They proceed to start banging doggy style over the milk delivery crates as she turns her head and says seductively

“No no no, I want to be fucked over the %2 milk.”

Really tacky stuff but it got over 100k views on bonetube.com (don’t go the web address it’s now defunct and will give you a virus)

Anyway Samar saw this on the surveillance cameras and fired Ryan’s ass right away, so now Ryan solely directs low grade porn. Like me he’s a fan of Kubrick and Welles so he tries to overcompensate some of his porn shots with over the top camera angles. I love him anyways but we really need to get a downstairs door installed because I am constantly woken up by these porn star wannabes.

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‘No i’m not Ryan but let me get him for you.”

I went to go downstairs but Ryan was already coming up.

“Jonny boy, good she’s here, i’m directing a new movie called Glazing Paddles today, it’s a porn parody about the wild west”

“Oh, haha like Blazing Saddles?”

“What the fuck is that Jonny, nah never heard of that but this is gonna put my directing on the map”

Side note- I’m pretty sure Ryan suffers from cryptomnesia, he sees a normal movie than makes a porn spinoff but doesn’t remember the original film he’s ripping off, it’s comical but c’mon man we literally watched that movie like a week ago.

Ryan saw Topher with his ass out sleeping on the couch

“Man if this guy is gonna live here he’s gonna have to pay rent just like you, by the way that is a great butt for porn.”

Topher opened one eye

“You really think so?”

“Yeah man, hey why don’t you come downstairs with (looking at the girl), lets call you Crystal and I’ll write you into the script”

“If I star in this would it count as my rent?”

Ryan smiled

“Yeah we can talk turkey downstairs in my office.”

I rolled my eyes

” Alright guys i’m going to work”

Ryan and Topher simultaneously

“Bye Jonny”

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I plugged the fuse in to allow me to listen to the radio. I blasted Seahaven on my way to work. I got stuck behind a car that had a license plate from Ohio, there was a bumper sticker that said “We believe in marriage” the sticker was worn and it had cracked down the middle where two rings were interlocked, I thought about the irony in that.

I got to 11:11 five minutes early and Samar was waiting for me where we clocked in on the back computer. He looked flustered as usual, there was a little powder residue on his nose signifying that he decided to snort his pain medication today.

” You thought it would be funny to tell Lisa to leave the shit outside my office huh, you think this is a big fucking joke huh, the fact that Ali has been shitting all over my store, that fucking fuck and you are going to get whats coming to you”

” I told Lisa to leave it by your office because I thought you’d like to know what kind of shit it was.”

Samar got angry.

“Shit is shit and I just want you to catch fucking Ali in the fucking act that fucking fuck.”

“Okay I’ll keep an extra eye on him tonight but I gotta say I watched him all last night and I don’t think he was the one who pooped in the roll box.”

“I know it’s him, I just know i”

I thought to myself he just feels the rush of the painkillers. Samar once again put on that cynical smile that signified that bad news was coming.

“Steve the part time overnight guy quit so I need you to start picking up a few overnights during the week”

“Fuck” I thought to myself, I hate overnights they throw off my whole circadian rhythm.

“Okay Samar”

He started rubbing my bicep which is a fetish of his so I let it go

“Good boy Jonny, you’re now nighttime Jonny.”

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My day at work with Ali was nothing monumental, he’s a lazy piece of feces and I do all the work, same old same old. At one point a group of little kids came in (three boys) and asked me what condoms they should buy, they were no older than twelve years old so I thought this was a situation Ali should handle (haha), I told Ali some customers had some questions about a product he was familiar with and I went back in the cooler to continue packing it out. I looked out through the milk section to see Ali shaking his head no to the Trojan Bareskin that one of the kids was holding up. Ali picked up the Trojan Magnums and smiled and said something along the lines of “this will get the job done.”

It was around Ten at night when our store phone started to ring, I picked up and it was Ali’s wife.I put my ear to the phone and she started going.

“Where is Ali that no good piece of shit, he hasn’t been home since last night is he there can I talk to him.”

Ali started signaling to me to tell her he was busy.

“He’s busy right now” I reluctantly said

She continued to roast him over the phone for about twenty minutes, it was quite interesting, she loved roasting Ali as much as I did, I think I was falling in love. Ali checked in every now and again rolling his eyes telling me that she likes to talk a lot. She ended the phone call with telling me.

“Tell his deadbeat ass not to come home tonight.”

“Oh I will I promise.”

We hung up

Lisa came in and relieved us. She immediately looked at Ali who was evidently stressed that he was kicked out of his house.

“Ali you’re so sweaty, I like that sweat on you”

Once again I had no time for that so I told Ali “lets go.” He looked hesitant and asked me if I wanted to have a beer with him, I knew it was against his religion but the cynical part of me didn’t care if the bastard got a little tipsy. We stood outside 11:11 and had a twenty-four ounce each as he spent around $50 dollars on scratch offs only to become disappointed in the losses.

“Lets go handsome”

I brought him to the Motor Inn down the street, the seediest motel in our town.

On my drive home I thought about how I wanted to catch Tony in the act to show Sandra she made the wrong choice when she left me for him. I wondered if I would ever fall in love again. The old movies I used to watch when I was younger (due to the Hayes code) always had that happy ending where the guy got the girl and they lived happily ever after. At twenty-five I was only starting to realize how much of a crock of shit that is.

 

 

 

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