P.I. Log #3

My radio was still on in my car and the Summer 2011 mix I made was playing. The first chorus of Number Five With a Bullet was playing, my how some songs bring back specific memories. Valerie was gone and we lost that pesky but intimidating drug dealer. Topher and I checked each other for bruises that was left by the dominatrix known as Valerie, I have to say it was kind of sexy the way she knocked Topher out but I won’t say that out loud ever.

We heard commotion coming from the O’ Brien residence, a lot of yelling from the bros and even more screaming from the gals. I made the executive decision to run up to the house and let myself in (I mean what else am I getting paid for). The house was jam packed with high schoolers, girls crying and guys consoling the girls and a bunch of white noise as I made my way through the narrow hallway littered by red solo cups and raging hormones. We made our way to the living room and Topher went straight for the keg and began to fill a red solo cup that he found on the ground, I approached a crowd of people and pushed my way through to find Michelle freaking out as one of the bros I saw get out of Dodge Challenger now convulsing on the living room floor; right next to him was an empty jar and a black towel. He was clearly having a seizure or doing a new dance (I don’t know, i’m out of touch with the new trends).

I turned to Michelle

“What happened here?”

She was crying and sniffling and stuttering on her words

“Hhh hhh he took Tarantula and this happened”

I was so lost on the terminology

“What in the hell is tarantula”

Crying even harder now

“Tarantula is the new drug on the street and Bryan (the kid seizuring) offered to try it first and this happened, I don’t know what to do, my dad’s going to kill me.”

At the corner of my eye I saw a bright green object scurry towards the fireplace and the keg

“Is that a big ass radioactive spider?”

The creature made it’s way towards Topher who was in the middle of chugging a beer from the keg

I signaled to Topher

“Bro watch that thing coming for you, it made this kid seizure”

“what the fuck is that!”

It was a spider of some sort like out of a comic book, it made a jump that must’ve spanned three feet as Topher with suprisingly quick reflexes (considering he must be twelve deep at this point) backed out of its range and gave it a good ol’ fashioned curb stomp, green goo splattered and went on the fireplace and Tophers Dickies pants.

Topher was pretty drunk as he looked out at the crowd of kids, not specifically making eye contact with anyone more like looking through them.

“You see what happeneds when you fuck with me, you get squashed, I don’t care if I just got beat up a lesbian bounty hunter, i’m still a bad ass.

All the kids looked at each other in slight confusion than erupted into cheer as Topher now wore a shit eating grin on his face

The kid Bryan had stopped seizuring and looked up at Michelle and said

“That was terrible, please bring me to the hospital yo I can’t go home like this, my dad won’t let me drive his car for a week if he found out I was fuckin with tarantula”

Michelle and one of Bryan’s friends helped him up and started to carry him towards the front door.

Michelle looked at us and said

“Thanks Jonny, (and in a more seductive tone)  thanks Topher, if there’s anything, (now touching Topher’s chest) and I mean anything I can do for you two, just let me know, you really saved my ass here”


I couldn’t wrap my head around it, kids these days are getting high by means of using some weird green radioactive looking spider, letting it bite their neck or some shit and they apparently trip out, now I once again feel old.



I didn’t care that I had work at twelve tomorrow, I needed a drink after this shit. Topher and I went down to the pub and Mickey the empath barkeep could see the wear and tear on our eyes, or the black and blue left from Valerie’s vicious backhand.

“I’m guessing it’ll be a jack and coke with an extra shot fo jack for the both of you”

Topher now slurring his words

“yous guessda right mr. Mickey the sexay barkeep”

I scanned the room and at the corner of the bar was two middle aged couples, their aura came off as the “still trying to be hip” forty year olds. One of the men that was near balding ordered a Jager bomb as in my peripheral I could see him scanning Topher and I up and down.

“cut your hair man” the man said directed probably at me because I was the one with the longer hair out of the two. I ignored him and kept sipping my drink. Now louder he yelled across the bar.

“Cut your hair pussy”

The other man and the two ladies laughed in unison. Topher was oblivious to what was going on but I was attentive and really not in the mood so I replied.

“Why don’t you come cut it for me bitch”

I’ve noticed making direct eye contact with someone trying to start shit with you makes them extremely uneasy, the man broke eye contact and turned to his other male friend for  more confidence that the alcohol wasn’t already providing him with. The other guy looked over at me and looked back at his friend and I read his lips saying “lets go” The balding middle aged man got up abruptly and I noticed a baggy fall out of his pocket, it was cocaine. He walked passed us with plastic confidence as he told me he better not see me at any other bar tonight, last thing I want to do is aid that man in reliving his youth fueled by a cocaine binge. After they left Topher quickly scooped up the baggie and we left Mickie a nice tip and went back to base (my lovely apartment).

There were seven messages left on my voicemail from Sandra, I learned to tune her out years ago but she said something along the lines of “tomorrow I think Tony is going to meet with his mistress at around eleven pm, tail him and tell me everything you find.”

This in addition to my shitty shift (no pun intended) at 11:11 tomorrow will prove to be a night to remember.

To be continued







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