P.I. Log #2

On my drive home I felt my phone vibrate, I look at the caller id and it reads 11:11(the shithole), I pick up and it’s Lisa frantically telling me that she was buttering rolls for tomorrows breakfast rush and she reached her hand in and couldn’t believe what she pulled out, a half green and half brown turd with sesame seeds spread throughout, I was astonished by the amount of detail and pictured her holding the turd in her hand and inspecting it. I had to put the phone on mute because I started to burst out into laughter. I told Lisa to put the turd in a bag and leave it outside Samar’s office door.

“He’ll deal with it tomorrow, bag up any other pieces of dookie that you find”.

I hung up with Lisa and pulled out a pack of Marlboro Reds, no I don’t smoke at least not anymore, the pack was filled with twenty joints. A year ago I decided that drinking on a daily basis and smoking a pack a day was not the healthiest of ideas so I turned to the lesser of the evils and became a chronic marijuana smoker. I puffed on the joint and opened my sunroof that got stuck halfway. I couldn’t help but count every telephone pole I passed. I looked up to see they changed the billboard that sits across from my house, the sign used to read “Escapism is accepting that you’re trapped” now it reads “Heaven or Hell, will where you go?” the heaven side had blue light surrounding it while the hell side was engulfed in flames.

Tomorrow I start surveillance on that rich bastard Tony for the women that won’t seem to leave my life Sandra. Tonight however, i’m staking out the O’Brien residence to make sure little Michelle isn’t throwing any out of control house parties, she told her dad she was having an all girls slumber party but I call bullshit and I think Mr. O’Brien feels the same. I’m not thrilled to watch a bunch of high schoolers get rowdy off of an average of three wine coolers each but hey I need the money.

I pull up to my apartment and see that the lights are still on, Topher must be home. Topher has been my best friend since middle school. After high school he started working full time at his Dad’s luxury car dealership, he worked there for almost seven years until he was on a test drive one day with a customer. The guy had Topher test drive five vehicles which if you’re a salesman you are really hoping the customer buys something because he wasted a great portion of your day. Topher was letting this guy test drive the same exact model he did previously but this time the car was blue. During the test drive the guy appeared to be a little intoxicated and Topher caught him pulling a flask out of his pocket and swigging it while he drove. Topher tried to rip the flask out of his hand but this caused the man to swerve the vehicle into a tree, Topher hit his head on the glove compartment and the male customer was fine as he poured a great portion of the flask into Topher’s mouth and than got out of the car and ran away yelling ” I guess those airbags don’t work well after all.” The police came and since Topher forgot to get this man’s license information before the test drive (big mistake) he was breathalyzed and later served with a DWI. His father fired him and he has been jobless for the last six months. I’ve been letting him crash on my couch in what I call squatting but he doesn’t like it when I call it that, he prefers calling it an “extended sleepover”. He earns his keep by giving me a pack of pre-rolled joints every four days since he now he slings weed for a living.

I open my front door to see Topher sprawled out half on the couch, a half full bong, empty PBR cans, and Empty microwavebale cheeseburger wrappers were taking up my living room table, Topher’s basketball shorts were pulled down just enough to reveal his ass.

“Dude what the fuck you can’t keep trashing my house like this come on get up, I need company tonight for a stakeout.”

Topher opened one eye

“If we’re going to the O’Brien’s again than count me out, that shit is so boring.”

“Bro you squat on my couch and all I ask for is joints and you to accompany me on surveillance missions”

Topher was triggered

“It’s not squatting, it’s an extended sleepover”

“Yeah whatever, just come with me, it’ll only take a couple hours and you can drink PBR’s or eat more cheeseburgers in the car”

“Alright Jonny but just because I love you, and have a fetish with getting intoxicated in your car.”

Topher sprung up and immediately tried to give me a noogie, I dodged him and he tripped and fell right through my glass living room table.


We were parked right outside of little Miss Berry’s residence, she was an old widow that occasionally asks me to watch over her house because she gets weird phone calls at night where someone breathes into the phone than hangs up, she lives three houses down from the O’Brien’s. Topher started telling me that his mom called him Francis again today which has been an ongoing thing since he was very young. I told him that his parents probably wanted to name him that and kept it in their minds, he insists that he remembers a Francis when he was younger but he can’t quite put his finger on it. I told him it’s just probably false memories.

After some time cars started pulling up to the O’Brien residence, the first was a green Jeep with custom fog lights, reinforced bumpers and off road tires three girls got out of it and Michelle let them in, the car screamed overprotecive father all over it but who am I to judge. The next car was an orange Dodge Challenger with black pinstripes, four guys got out of the car, two of them were giving each other fist bumps while the other two carried the keg in. I’ve had to stake out Michelle multiple times so I’ve learned to just let things slide as long as it doesn’t get too out of control. After that the cars came rapidly, the whole block had cars parked on both sides going as far as my apartment which was the corner bundling. Not before long loud music started to come from the house, it sounded like a bunch of commercial and club music that I didn’t like when I was their age compacted into remix versions that made them sound even crappier.

“Man” I thought to myself

“Music really sucks nowadays.”

I chainsmoked two joints just sitting their in boredom while Topher ripped the bong over and over until he was slouched in the passenger seat reclined as far as it could go. A Nunzio’s pizza delivery car pulled up and I saw that they ordered at least ten pies and five orders of breadsticks. In my stoned state of mind I almost wanted to knock on the door and ask Michelle if I could have a couple slices and some breadsticks while I was staking out her house.

It was around one am when out of my vision someone knocked on my window, it was Michelle.

“Did my dad really send you guys to stalk me this weekend?”

“Yeah but we’re just hanging out unless things get too rowdy”

“My friends are getting freaked out they are wondering why a shitty beat up car is watching us from the end of the block, I need you guys to leave and if you don’t i’ll tell my dad about how Topher got me really drunk one night and slept with me.”

Topher woke up out of his cheeseburger/bong coma

“hey I didn’t know you were seventeen, you told me you were twenty-one that night.”

Michelle had a smirk on her face

“My daddy will believe me over you so I suggest if you don’t want to become a convicted pedophile and you drive your asses out of here right this second.”

I didn’t personally care if Topher got caught for that, but Topher did. Mr. O’Brien if you didn’t realize yet is a very protective father with a gun collection that would make John Wayne proud and he was not one to be fucked with when it came to his daughter’s safety.

“Okay we’ll leave” I said.

“Just don’t pull any crazy shit tonight so I don’t hear about it from the old man tomorrow.”

“I promise Jonny, I know my dad cares and he hires you to watch us, but we really aren’t that bad.”

“I went to [undisclosed] high school, I remember how bad the environment is”

“It’s not like when you went back in the day”

“Back in the day was seven years ago”

“Seven years ago I was in the fourth grade, so yeah, times have changed”

I hate when I feel old, it’s still relatively a new concept to me.

“Okay, have a goodnight” I said.

Michelle looked Topher in the eye and said

“maybe we’ll see each other another time, maybe under more private conditons.”

Topher smiled and said

“you’re a total thot you know that?”

“Only for you baby”

Topher shook his head as we started the car and Michelle made her way back into her house.

As we were passing her house a black sports car sped around us almost causing an accident.

I stopped to consider if I should get out of the car and beat this guys ass but than just decided to park up a little further down the block to see what the deal was.

A tall man about six foot five got out of the car, he was carrying a glass jar covered up by a black towel as he walked to the front door of the O’Brien residence. He knocked lightly and Michelle answered the door enthusiastically. He looked like a typical high income drug dealer so I stuck around.

Topher asked “what do you think was in that glass jar?”

“I don’t know Topher but all I can say is it’s not anything we fucked with when we were teenagers.”

The guy came out about ten minutes later looking around each corner as he approached his car. As he went to grab his door handle high beams shined on his car and there was a big ass truck speeding down the block. It pulled up in front of this guys car and blocked him. He looked surprised as a jacked woman wearing body armor and black combat pants got out of the truck. Right away a laser pointer was pointed on the man as she shook in fear. It was the town of [undisclosed] most famous and proficient bounty hunter, oh and did I mention my ex girlfriend, Valerie. Valerie and I dated later in our high school days, I broke it off because she was a raging alcoholic that liked to get physical when she was at her “Sunday’s best. ” She started going to AA after high school and realized there she was a closet lesbian her whole life with the the power of this epiphany and finding Jesus she felt empowered to fight crime in the dirtiest of places, this is of course after she found out I was a private eye.

Topher got out of the car first and approached Valerie who greeted him with a knee to the testicles and a backhand to introduce his face to the pavement. She than pointed the gun at me.

“Still taking the bitch jobs?” Valerie said.

“No, just having a nice night time drive and happened to see you pointing guns at people again”

“This man has been selling a new drug to kids and i’m hell bent on finding out what it is, you should leave this job to the professionals.”

“The only thing that gives you any credibility is that gun”

Valerie than proceeded to backhand me which felt like a bat to the face, those Kickboxing classses must’ve paid off.

I coughed a little because I was trying to swallow spit before she slapped me, I smiled as I watched the dealer get in his car while Valerie was distracted with me. Valerie turned around and started opening fire on the car, the car was bulletproof which must be a pricey add on. He got away and Valerie once again turned her attention to me.

“One of these days i’m going to put a bullet between your eyes”

“One of these days i’m also going to have a gun so you can’t put on your whole Clint Eastwood Schtick anymore”.

She did a cartwheel for no reason as she hit the automatic door open button and jumped back into her truck, Topher was completely knocked out as she skidded her tires and pulled away.

I though to myself

“My little black book is all fucked up.”

I tried to revive Topher by splashing water in his face and it worked as he asked me what happened, I told him he got too high and passed out so he didn’t think he just got knocked out by my ex.

We heard a scream come from Michelle’s house

“Here we go”

To Be Continued







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